NES Nintendo Nerd: 5 NES Games to Punish Your Children

Children are animals, and should be treated as such. Not really, but wouldn't it be more fun for you as the parent to creatively punish your child? To point and laugh at their suffering through some of the most frustrating NES games of all time. Yes, you can ground a kid to a room or have them sit in a chair. But where's the fun in that?

My daughter is only two years old so the worst punishment she receives is a stern, "No, no." After creating this little list I'll be ready when she does get in trouble. Is it sad I'm actually looking forward to it? My NES method of tough love provides the following: punishment of your child, entertainment for you, and a deterrent for your child to stay on the straight and narrow so they never have to play these brutal games again.

My method will only work if your child has zero familiarity with these games. If your child refuses to play, promise them the only cell phone they'll ever own is a Nokia from 1998--with the Snake game included!

Mike Tyson's Punch-Out

What's this? How can playing Mike Tyson's Punch-Out punish my child? It's one of the greatest NES games of all time, Goober! I'm well aware of this game's credentials, and I have it ranked in my top 5 of best NES games. But here's the deal, your child is not allowed to fight anyone in the game but Mike Tyson. No Glass Joe, no Piston Honda. No socking the band-aid "X" on King Hippo's belly. No drunk Popinski or big titty Super Macho Man. No build-up to the dream fight learning how to fight and dodge, recognizing each boxer has a pattern. Just Tyson and his first minute and a half of uppercuts that take Little Mac down with one punch. "Oh, you lost, Billy? Only 27 seconds in? I've had this code memorized for 25 years so I'll have you fighting Tyson again in mere moments." It is highly recommended to snicker every time Little Mac is dropped to the canvas. If your child is some sort of Jimmy Woods from the movie The Wizard and takes down Tyson you may never punish your child again.

10-Yard Fight

This punishment is for the child who has played modern football games like Madden. They will be abhorred there are no NFL teams or player names, no season. Not even team names. There are no plays to choose from--you either run it or pass it to the lone receiver on your squad. 10-Yard Fight is a blob of a mess on screen. It was dull in 1985 and even worse now. To add a little extra salt to your child's wound after playing this game, have them watch you play Tecmo Super Bowl, and remind them this is what good children get to play.

Ghosts 'N Goblins

Ghosts 'N Goblins is one of the hardest games in video game history. There are cheap enemies, flying birds (every hard game seems to having some sort of flying bird), and Sir Arthur can only withstand two hits before he dies in his underwear. This punishment is for the whining kid. Because no matter how bad your life sucks at age 7 or 8 nothing compares to getting your ass kicked repeatedly in Ghosts 'N Goblins, and after a death having to hear that quick little tune and see a screen of the map to show how far you still need to go. Taunting you, because you will never beat this game. You'll be lucky to get past the ogres in the mansion. It is recommended to have your child play this game in a padded room, while also having them wear a helmet or hat to prevent them from pulling their hair out in frustration.

The Karate Kid

Some times you need to show your children who's boss, and that's when you dust off The Karate Kid cart. This is easily one of the most frustrating video games I've ever played. Even though there are only four stages this game, your children will be begging for you to turn off the power once they reach the Typhoon Stage (stage 3). The wind pushing you back while sticks and birds fly into you, coupled with how far you get knocked backward when struck by an enemy is one of the worst punishments in gaming history. I was lucky enough one day to beat this game and I haven't touched it since. Too many scars of being hit by an enemy and flying backward into a deadly pit of water. The enemies are cheap and if they get you trapped against a wall or brick, they'll keep cheap shotting you until you are dead, because there's no escape. Did I mention you have to press Up to jump, kids? Have fun with that.

Mach Rider

This game should only be used as a last resort for punishment because the child will actually feel physical pain from playing it. Mach Rider is a fast moving biker race game that is sure to induce nausea and headaches. The screen is jumpy from the fast pace, blinking center strip, enemy bikers, oil puddles, barriers, etc. It's like watching The Blair Witch Project but worse. Should your child withstand 30 minutes of Mach Rider punishment, visit your eye doctor immediately to check for symptoms of opsoclonus--the "crazy eyes." Examples to use "Playing Mach Rider to Punish Your Child" include: young Billy looking at dirty websites, or young Sally watching inappropriate night time television. The abuse that playing Mach Rider plays on their eyes is all the deterrent they need.